Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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