There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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