I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
