Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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