12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
