piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
