you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
