I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize