Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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