I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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