Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
