I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
