Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
