Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
