gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
