I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
