Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
