I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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