do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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