True but thats because hes a fetus.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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