saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize