Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
