Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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