Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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