here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
