u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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