dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
