I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
how does that bad decision feel?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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