well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
