I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
