This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
