i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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