I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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