i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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