:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
