I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
