I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
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