it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
