The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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