Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think my fart just growled at me.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
