Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
