My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
