my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
