I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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