Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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