Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize