I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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