what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
