One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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