my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
