he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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