Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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