Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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