So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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