i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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