I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
