Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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