In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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