I want to walk on stilts...naked
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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