oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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