I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
