Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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