He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
